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How many times in the last year did I make excuses for the woman across the table from me? And, um, she has pretty eyes — maybe I’ll come around,” or “She doesn’t have a lot of interesting things to say, but she’s gorgeous and close to my age,” or “Everyone says we’d be good together.” And then we’d go out on a second or third date, with me working hard to convince myself that it could work.

And when, invariably, I needed to walk away, it left her upset and me unsatisfied and guilt-ridden.

I’ve fought with myself over the last six years, and I’ve worried about my ability to maintain a true relationship, but I know I’m hard-wired to love and cherish the right woman.

In the meantime, though, I’m better off spending my non-parenting nights focused on work and friends and myself than going on another date “just in case.”When it comes down to a real relationship, finding the right person will be as crucial as my being emotionally available to her.

When you go to the circus you expect a certain level of talent from the elephants, and when you don’t get that you complain to anyone who will listen, including those who may consider seeing the show in the future…

The one who makes me think dinner at home and a makeout session on the couch sounds infinitely better than a dirty martini in a crowded bar on a chilly winter night (but who will also make me get off the couch and go enjoy a guys’ night out).

Because the other thing I’ve realized through my hard work is that, as much as I love my single lifestyle, I really do want to be with someone.

In other words, I led myself into the trap of the not-so-young single parent. So, though I’m not going to ignore reality completely, and though I’m not going to wait around for some unattainable ideal partner, I am going to hold out for that one girl who makes me crazy—the woman who makes me forget the doubt—the one I can really open up to, sharing my strengths and weaknesses, my loves and my pain.

I’ve listened to those twin imps of self-doubt and fear of loneliness. That one girl who can complete our family and share in the sweetness and difficulties attendant with being close to someone as screwy as I am.